Quickening

Quickening: feeling first fetal movements

Life feels crazy and I feel kind of crazy too. It's the weirdest thing, I am 21 weeks pregnant (k that's halfway) and I still have a hard time thinking this is real,

this is really happening.

I am so excited and so grateful because it is such a miracle and a blessing, but it just doesn't feel ... possible, real. I guess in someways I am just holding my breath, hoping it doesn't, but waiting for it to be snatched away from me. I guess its one way of protecting my heart. 

See I had resigned myself to River boy being our one beautiful and miraculous baby,

and He is MORE than enough.  I was trying to accept the Lords will for my life and be joyful with what I have been blessed with, which is so much. 

In my effort to surrender, I turned the key on that door in my heart and decided to press forward, controlling what I could and trusting the Lord with the rest.

I just didn't expect Him to bless us so quickly and spontaneously with the deepest desire of my heart, working a beautiful miracle inside me. 

Now I feel my baby girl moving and kicking inside me and it fills my heart with hope.

A hope that grows when she kicks Skyler's hand on my tummy.

A hope that burns as River talks to her through my belly button and says often

"baby in here".

It's a hope I feel working another miracle inside me, unlocking that door in my heart ---

helping me to learn to love without fear, without limit and without hesitation.